workingwifey

My mom would be 48 today. Crazy. She died in 2003 on St. Patricks Day. I had a horrible dream last night that she was alive but I couldn’t get a hold of her (I have that dream a lot), and then she overdosed on heroine while she was at the bank, and the bank called me to tell me that she had a relapse and I didn’t really know what they meant. So I kept calling the hospital in Colorado where she was and they gave me some paperwork which showed all of her stats and that she was still alive, but she was on life support. Then I showed my dad, and his girlfriend (they’ve only been dating for about 4 months in real life) kept telling me that she was dead and that she wanted to be done with the whole thing, and she wouldn’t listen to me when I was telling her that my mom actually was alive. My dad was just there, didn’t say anything so I’m trying to figure out how to talk to my mom since it’s been years, and trying to figure out her stuff and then I have this woman who has never even met my mom, trying to tell me that she’s dead and to forget about her. I was getting so angry. Then my grandma (mom’s mom) and grandpa (mom’s step-dad) came to Colorado to visit (grandma passed away in ‘05 on Easter and grandpa passed away Aug. of this year) and my grandma was upset because she couldn’t get a hold of my mom either, and I kept telling her that my mom was fine and that I couldn’t get a hold of her but that I would, and we’d go see her.

I hate dreams like that. Every night since my mom died, I have a bad dream like that about her. I’m really sick of it. At first I thought maybe my brain wanted me to dream about her to keep her memory alive, so that I would never forget about her, but now after 5 1/2 years of EVERY single night, bad dreams about my mom, I’m tired of it! Those dreams suck. And in all of my dreams, she’s always alive but it’s like I can’t get a hold of her, or she moved out of state and went into hiding, something weird like that to where she IS alive, I just havent spoken with her in a few years. Which of course brings up more and more anger, maybe abandonment issues because I feel like she abandoned me by dying.

I don’t know. Anyways, that was my bad dream last night! I will try not to post my bad dreams too often No sense in more than 1 person have to go thru the bad dreams!

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